I'm not joking when I say I read these [nearly] every single morning...

Hi. I just typed up three pieces of paper I have folded in half and jammed into my morning devotional book (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, by the way). Their corners are creased, the folds in the middle are so exaggerated and severe it wouldn't take much to have them rip in twos, in one page's case, the pencil is smudged to high heaven.

I prepared these pages in January, after [another] season of emotional unwellness. I got the idea from the life coach I was working with at the time (THANKS BETH!), and these pages have been a continued source of groundedness. Once I began getting my footing again in the Spring, Beth, well aware that journaling and blogging were therapeutic to me, suggested that I share them on my blog.

I wasn't quite ready then.

I am now.

I truly read these almost every morning. To myself. From myself. After all, who is a better authority over one's life than oneself? (Well, obviously, after G-O-D).

Just thought I'd put these pages out into the universe... Here goes!

Letter to self about ADHD (and life :) )

1/17/17

Dear Tricia,

You have ADHD inactive. It is a real neurological disorder, and it means that -- while you are quite intelligent -- you are usually working harder to conduct executive functioning skills than others to get the same result. You don't always realize you are. But you are.

Therefore, taking care of yourself needs to remain a major priority. Taking care of yourself and your brain may look different for you than it does for others and that's OK. It might mean layers of support and help. You don't observe others needing, and that's OK. What YOU need is what YOU need. The End.

Look at what giftedness comes from the way your mind is wired! You are a creative thinker. You are an idea-generator. You are fun and funny and spontaneous and refreshingly uninhibited. You crave being in connection with others and genuinely see the good and happy in all people.

Sure, your thoughts get tangled and you have trouble operating under pressure and you off on tangents and say wrong things and you cant figure out what to do first and you forget EVERYTHING and you waste tons of time. But Tricia, MY DEAR, this is all part of your charm :), and -- when life demands that you function at a higher/faster/more efficient rate -- REMEMBER: a) that life'll ease up again (this isn't forever!), b) that screw-ups aren't the end of the world (Remember Dori! There's always another way!), and c) to rely on your supports, perhaps even crank them up.

Most important of all... you are worthy and loved just exactly as you are. How wonderful!?!?! Your flaws are also gifts that allow you to see others and the world with compassion. You are humbled by them, and you fully embrace them the same way you know God does.

Dang -- now that I think about it -- YOU DA BOMB!

Love and joy always,
Tricia

Medication Manifesto

1/24/17

Quick note to self:

Dear Tricia, At this moment, you are taking 10mgs of Lexipro every day. I grant you permission to tinker with your dose/regiment in the future (increase Lexipro, decrease Lexipro, go off Lexipro, add Ritalin, WHATEVER!) with the assistance of a trusted psychiatrist. Let us (the me now and the you when you read this) agree, though, that you will keep Lexipro in your medication routine through 2017. K?

* You have ADHD inactive, which is both very real and very inconsistent. While you likely always are experiencing some form of fatigue from the extra work you put in to "do life" as a result of your ADHD symptoms, the havoc it can reek when they are unexpectedly exacerbated is unpredictable. Lexipro smooths over these tough spots, so that you have the wherewithal to work your self care plan.

* Lexipro DOES NOT REPLACE the hard work of self care. You are a hard worker. You are a brave soul not afraid of doing tough stuff. Lexipro is not lazy. Lexipro is brave. Accepting help to support your disadvantages as an ADHDer is being real with your reality and being proactive. It isn't cheating just the same as a kid with a learning disability getting extra time on a test is not cheating.

* When you have solid wellbeing and are coasting in life at TIER 1, Lexipro isn't THE REASON for your cheerfulness. That's YOU. That's the natural ad authentic you. You ARE cheerful. You ARE fun. You are not acting as an imposter. You are simply clear and centered. The Lexipro isn't doing all the work. It is just helping to level the playing field so that your true self can present more fully.

* Lexipro may not be FOREVER. When life and circumstances around you change, "doing life" may feel different. Re-evaluate then. Now is now, and now is the time to accept and appreciate Lexipro. THANKS Lexipro! I am grateful!

Tiered Support Plan

TIER 1

Description:
*I am well.
*My inner life is peaceful.
*Shame and insecurity hardly present at all.
*Feel confident and competent.
*Thoughts are helpful and often creative.
*Sleeping well.
*Eating well.

Actions:

Spiritual/Emotional Support:  Read letters to self daily, morning quite time, mindfulness meditation 3x weekly, afternoon recharge time before boys home from school

Organizational Support: Weekly babysitting (preferably one shift with me at home), weekly reflection/planning (fill to do list, meal plan, schedule out), Wait b4 rsvping to saying yes to any commitments, grocery shopping and cooking dinners

Body/Physical Support: Probably running, monthly massage

Social Support: Probably socializing just for fun, probably reaching out to support loved ones


TIER 2

Description:
*I am beginning to feel overwhelmed
*Creative thoughts down, worried thoughts up
*Scarcity mentality starting (not enough: time, energy, resources)
*No outwards or physical distresses, just stressed on inside
*Sleeping well
*Eating well

Actions:

Spiritual/Emotional Support:  ADD: Reread Happiness Trap and sharpen up on "defusing" and "expansion," mindfulness meditation upped to 5x week.

Organizational Support: ADD: Build in more unstructured down time (both alone and with kids/family), take the easy and simple route with EVERYthing (gift cards for bdays, order stuff online, accept more help with carpools, buy store bought meals or order out)

Body/Physical Support: Reduce pressure to exercise, add massages

Social Support: Say no to more invitations, say no to Scott's work events, pull back on giving to others, pull back on volunteer commitments, tell Scott and Lynette and Christy (they have this document)

TIER 3:

Description:
*Starting to feel insecure, incapable
*Comparing begins
*Episodic periods of heart racing during day
*Chaotic environments confuse and stress me
*Find myself ruminating and not in present moment
*Cant figure out how to use time
*Planning difficult, ADHD symptoms amplified
*Sleep might be interrupted and/hard to get to sleep
*Eating fine

Actions:

Spiritual/Emotional Support:  ADD: Consider adding therapist back in, use afternoon recharge time for an actual nap

Organizational Support: ADD: Babysitting up, housework support up, no cooking or planning meals at al, wear headphones with classical music while conducting hard thinking, take brain breaks often

Body/Physical Support: Consider the question: Should I increase Lexipro dose? Meet with doc to talk it over, stick to consistent bedtime, use sleeping aids to sleep (don't contemplate, just do it), massages now weekly, add essential oil regiment

Social Support: Open up to inner circle, but remember to keep private beyond that, get wrapped up in a good book or drama series

TIER 4

Description:
*Feel "worked up" either all day long or more than not
*Elevated heart rate and tense muscles
*Planning and knowing what to do with self in general feels impossible
*Cannot relax
*Sleep a mess
*Appetite low and often have to force to eat because of queasy belly

Actions:

Spiritual/Emotional Support: ADD: Plan a hotel night alone

Organizational Support: ADD: Consider inviting Lynette to visit for an extended period, keep the home machine running smoothly

Body/Physical Support: STOP drinking alcohol

Social Support: