Five Good Reasons Easter Is My Least Favorite

5) I am all done buying my kids shit. OVER. IT. Christmas, Valentine's Day, and now EASTER?? They're gonna start expecting presents for Every. Stinkin. Day. Off. School. Parent Teacher Conference day? Martin Luther King Day? Guess what, little humans? It's not ABOUT you. Jesus's birth. Jesus's death. Jesus's resurrection. Teachers meeting with parents during work hours. Martin Luther King leading a civil rights revolution. Nope. Not. About. You.

4) I don't know how to hard boil eggs. I look online every year. Last year, with newfangled Amazon assistance, I asked Alexa. Apparently, I cannot seem to manage this basic thing; Scott takes over every time. He barely manages grilled cheese sandwiches and yet he kills hard boiled eggs.

The following is a separate thing, but it feels right to include it in #4: I have no idea how to dye eggs with four young-ish kids. I know elementary school art teachers live and dye (intended) by the rule "don't mix colors. keep your colors separate!" but how does that apply with the double dye dipping scenario? Best yet, how do you place 4 different-colored cups of magic in front of a three-year-old and then expect her to hold a dense object on a toothpick-wide piece of metal for three agonizing minutes to get results when she can barely SIT IN A CHAIR for three minutes?

3) I don't know how to say this without sounding like a creep. But I hate the Easter Bunny.

I just do.

Santa in the mall somehow sets well with me. He represents generosity. You can see his eyes. You know its gender. He is a human being. Red and white are respectable colors.

The Easter Bunny is a whole different beast. There's NO indication of what is behind those mesh eye holes... boy? Girl? Maniac? Not-employable video-gaming-basement-dweller? And the PASTELS... Life-sized bunny rabbit sits on a throne of baby pinks and baby yellows and baby blues. LIKE. THOSE. ARE. REAL. COLORS. The only time those colors ever make it to paint are for nurseries. And there are fully formed non-baby children lining up to see this plush guy/gal mascot surrounded by pastels that aren't even represented in nature's true Spring. Find me a pastel yellow dandelion, would ya? But wait... here's the clincher: I love Santa, because in addition to all things lovable about the jolly dude, he is a modern-day representation of flesh-and-blood St. Nicholas, who lived and breathed, and gave, and witnessed his care for little ones during his time on this earth. Mall Easter Bunny descended from NoBunny.

In short, I just don't dig the dang bunny.

2) I'm gonna get real with y'all on this one. The story of Easter is just intensely difficult to experience or honor with any degree of justice.

You probably thought I meant in our relaying it to our kids.

But I actually meant MYSELF.

I try. I make it to Mandy Thursday services. And Good Friday services. And then, of course, to Easter services. And the heaviness of Jesus's crucifixion is a strong cornerstone to the story of our Chris's full-picture grace to humankind. I mean. I think I get it. And I know I'm supposed to hang tight until Sunday, because that's what makes the story complete and "you can't have a resurrection unless you have a crucifixion" but dang if I don't always feel that this reasoning resonates with me.

But, crucifixion/resurrection talk aside, one of my issues is that I feel like Easter should capture so much meaning in my faith life but often I just can’t seem to conjure it up. Additionally, I think I get pissy about Easter morning's show woman ship (cuz - let's just be real - the outfit ensembles are the work of mostly women in the family). The day is emotion-laden if taken seriously. Mysterious, Awe-filled. Surprising. Weird. Scary. Hard-to-Believe. And yes, these many years later, Celebratory. Life over death. Light over Darkness. Right over Wrong. Good over Evil. Things of the Sprit over Things of The World. This, for me, is in many ways the crux of my faith, so I ought to be cheerleading my way to church on Sunday morning.

But instead I feel a little like we are all mainly excited to get a really good picture.

I know!!! I'm so darn cynical. But #2 is #2 and I'm being honest and it's actually a real problem for me, so go easy. And, please be in touch to offer your help, if you have any.

Oh, and also part of #2, I have no idea how to frame the Easter story for my kids. I'm too busy dealing with ME.

1) The plastic eggs and the green straw. Every year I save them. Every year I tell myself that, since I've done such a kick-butt job conserving the batch from that particular year  and since I have an impeccably labeled tote storage system in my basement, I will save myself the trip to the Dollar Tree the following year. But every year I cannot bare to open the tote containing passed-down batch of mismatched  plastic eggs and hand-me-down jelly-bean-stickified straw that has been restlessly awaiting its debut. I would rather pay $3.85 for a fresh batch. This means that I now have thirty eight totes I never open in my basement.

But at least they are tidily labeled "EASTER - DON'T OPEN!"