I Don't Hate my Mother in Law

Preamble: I know lots of women. Most of them are sane. Most of those have mother-in-laws in their lives. A solid majority of those have beef with this person. I listen in to their examples, and I am annoyed from the outside. I always walk away from these moments baffled by the reality: Most women currently in the mother-in-law role have or at one point had an irritating mother-in-law of their own - one they commiserated about over bake sales and neighborhood barbecues of their day, then thirty years later incarnated.  And here's the most frightening baffle: Is that our fate? If they didn't stop the cycle, will my generation?

I stand out amongst my peeps, because my mother-in-law is not a monster. Far from it, she is not even mildly out of step. She attributes her skills in this department from her years as a minister and the work she did with premarital and marital counseling. You guessed it: People talk about their mother-in-laws as they relate to personal and marriage wellbeing from Day One.

When you're the Mother in Law

Behave like you learned how to in Kindergarten. The difference here is that, unless your son has married someone old enough to have birthed him, you are not peers with your playmate. You've got some years under your belt more than the years under hers and this sets you up to think that you don't have to play nicely or share fairly or play by any of the other kindergarten rules designed for peer interactions. You. Aren't. Peers, you may think. And you'd be right. But you have to strip off the layers of I-earned-this pedestal-sitting that comes with your age and play Kindergarten-style nonetheless. Neither of you hold more power, here. You are not peers but that does not stop you from being equals in the game of figuring-this-in-law-relationship-out. As soon as she feels you are playing with a perceived upper hand, you've lost the Kindergartener in you.

How would you like to do brunch this Saturday? Oh... at Wendy's you say? [Choke back: "I had my famous homemade quiche in mind and have already laid out the tablecloth we got as a family from Italy when Joey was in middle school! We ALWAYS do Saturday brunch with savory butter-saturated yumminess and lace-edged linens!"]. Wendy's it is!"

I was thinking I might grab fill-in-grandbaby's-name on Wednesday morning for a doughnut run [Omit: Because my own grandmother's love language was doughnuts and that was a way I felt connected to her so I'd like to do the same for my grand babies]. How does that work with your schedule? Oh, you'd prefer him to stay away from sweets for breakfast? Got it. Hmmm, help me think... what else would he think was special for breakfast?

You'd like me to come to the amusement park? [I hate roller coasters and large crowds].

So, you guys get to spend a week this summer on a trip to our house! I sort of thought we could do some hiking one day. Let me know what you think. And maybe one day we could go out to the pond to show the kids how to skip rocks. Oh, so I didn't realize your allergies kick into high gear then. I'll have the air conditioning pumped and primed for when you come! Check out which indoor spots might sound interesting.

So, you would like to travel to your parents' house for Christmas this year? That sounds so fun. Is everyone excited for the trip? How can we celebrate the holiday with your family?

When your son marries - a woman to make my case - things change. If you think that they won't or shouldn't, then you are fooling yourself.

Here's what happens: You take the back seat.

Simply put, you are no longer the most important woman in his life. Like it or not.

What's wild is that by recognizing this very healthy boundary (role of wife & role of mom), you are doing two things: A) Rather than minimizing your importance in his life, you are revealing the maximum awesomeness that is you... the mamma who raised a man to think and screw up and grow and choose and love for himself. You are patting yourself on your back. You are fist punching to the stars. You are raising a drink, toasting you son - yes - but also toasting you. You aren't suffering by cutting the chord. You are being rewarded.  B) You are reverse psychologizing like a B... By encouraging the wife to take the lead and not wedging your way in any chance you can get, you'll end up being invited to more shit. But this only works if you're not actually intentionally reverse psychologizing... passive aggressive manipulation always flops. If your son and his wife know you're playing games, there goes your invitation to meet up for lunch or witness the first haircut.

If you're thinking that this is way-wise and easier-said-than-done, you're right. My mother-in-law worked in ministry for years before I wed her [only] son. She conducted marriage counseling session after marriage counseling session... she knew first handedly how overbearing was NOT a winner adjective to describe the mother of the groom/husband/father of her grand babies.

When you're the Daughter in Law

You keep your mouth shut, keep your eyes silent, and use poker-face body language when in relationship with her house. She is CO-BOSS in her house and your son is the other co-boss and that's enough bosses; you have no role whatsoever... Well, maybe bus-girl, but even then only if She likes that. She might be younger and she may have no clue, but she gets to do her laundry and her decorations and her forks prong up/prong down in the dishwasher just any way she wants to - or doesn't - want to. And you follow the damn suit when you are there, as though her mode of operation - or lack thereof - is about the more brilliant damn mode there is.

Thank you, mother-in-law.