Wednesday, October 8, 2008

When to jump?

As much as I'd like to think that my carefree, relaxed personality doesn't need structure, the reality is (I thinK) we all appreciate it. I've been getting myself into quite a swirl of mental chaos this past week... and it took me awhile to figure out why. Here goes: Because I do not know what to do with myself from 11am - 5pm.

I remember feeling this feeling last year when I was off work altogether, but Sophia's role in my life a couple days a week and the strong commitments to exercise regularly (THANK YOU KK!) and engage in that spiritual studying time (my own little Religion 101 class!) kept me feeling productive and balanced. Not to mention, plenty of friends offering social structure!

Well, here I am starting from scratch again. And although the morning hours contain HEAVY DUTY structure (up at 6:15, Jackson to Cassie's by 7:00am, to school by 7:15am, kids filter in at 7:25am, teach until 10:13am, plan/copy until 10:45am, pick up Jackson by 11 am), my stay-at-home stretch from that point until Scott comes home is WIDE OPEN at the moment.

You know how when there's no routine, all the things you finally have the time for seem like great ideas to get done, but then they DON'T?!?!?! Welcome to my 11am - 5pm life. So over the weekend I re-evaluated my at-home priorities and think I've come up with a daily "plan." But then I didn't start Monday. And I didn't start yesterday. And, wait, I guess I haven't really started today. (but, in my defense, Jackson's been a sick little dude this week... so out the window my structure went!). But I like what I have on paper. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Really I am.

But then, let's also target the non-at-home priorities that could/should provide structure for my life... you know, all the things I love to do: volunteer, become a leader in some community projects, get involved in church, take Jackson to art lessons, swimming lessons, blah blah. Here's the thing; I feel as though I, in particular, but also we, as an entire family, are circling the pool. It's like we KNOW once we get in, we'll be excited to be apart of the water-fun. But right now we're pacing. Trying to decide whether we want to commit or not. I, for one, am very cautious about what to dive into, because Lord knows I have a history of saying yes and regretted it later. Plus, I still haven't assessed everything there IS available to me in Rochester quite yet. What if I get my plate full and then discover ONE MORE thing I shoulda put at the top of my list? The one way in which I see my identity/structure/commitment firming up is finding a church home. Scott and have been BUSY Sunday morning shoppers these last three months. We're on to one, I think. We'll see.

Call me an over-analyzer, but that's the mode I'm in: CIRCLING THE POOL.

I'll tell you when I jump in.


Emily said...

Stick your big toe in and tell me what you think?
Book club?
Cooking club?
They would be SO LUCKY to have you!
Maybe there is a flexible volunteer position at the Mayo that you could do at your leisure.
You will be swimming in no time!
Love you!

Tiffany McCallen said...

I think Em is right—any group or organization would be thrilled to count you in your ranks. And if you figure out how to truly have (and do) it all, give me a hint! I've only managed to find new levels of insanity in my quests. :)

bb mcclain said...

Your blog is calling to to me.

Emily said...

You have been tagged!!! go to my blog to see your instructions.