Thursday, August 13, 2009

August 13th

Today makes for some emotions.

Sullivan is four months and 24 days old. Today was the day in Duncan's life that he left us. I have been thinking about this day for some time... did the math a few weeks ago, because I knew it was approaching.

And I just can't believe it.

I cannot believe that I could ever have lost a child. I think about Sullivan and what in the world I would do if I lost him today. Ahh, I lose it just pondering that possibility. How did we go through that? I mean, I know the answer to that question: One step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. And yet it feels so impossible that it ever happened.

The pain of Duncan's death has become less and less unbearable. Scott and I talk about our dear boy from time to time, and I take moments to think about him every time I peer out my kitchen window to view the dogwood tree we planted here in Rochester (similar to the one my girlfriends planted at the Park of Roses in Clintonville, OH). I often wonder: "Am I different enough as a result of Duncan's place in my life? Do I honor him enough?" These thoughts are immediately followed by, "I feel like I should be wiser as a result of having been Duncan's mother." I know that sounds like a weird one... difficult to explain... It's like I feel like I should have an "older soul" about me: listening more, talking less, better judgement, knowing the right things to say and when to say nothing at all... Like I should be more grown up. I know I learned infinite lessons through Duncan's life and death - and now I just want to use THEM ALL. Am I making ANY sense?

Anyway, today makes me feel so incredibly grateful for the two kiddos I have with me, and incredibly grateful for the one kiddo I don't have with me, but who forever changed me.


Lisa said...

I know Duncan taught you a lot about life that you should be greatful for. Through my eyes you have had an old soul since you were a little girl. Love You!

Shanti said...

I have tears rolling down my cheeks reading this, because last night night, as I lay in that dark room at OMC, waiting for the nurse to bring the doppler, filled with concern for my unborn baby, I was thinking of you, waiting for me. You, who was beside me when I was terrified for Henry, and who noticed I wasn't feeling well. I didn't know you before you were a mother, so I can't say how you've changed. But I know from the moment I met you I recognized in you a huge, beautiful, generous wise soul, with uncommon intuition and caring. Thank you for being my friend.

Tessa said...

I just wanted to tell you how much Duncan has touched me ... and how deeply saddened I was when he passed away. I can't imagine what you have been through, and I amazed at your strength!

MissRebecca said...

Wow Tricia.... you write about Duncan so poetically. I cannot imagine trying to make sense of all of those feelings... especially when you have Sullivan being the same age now as Duncan was when he died. Whether or not you think you have done enough to honor his life and death or feel you have made your life what you feel it should be for him, please know that since you gave birth to Duncan and Jackson... you have been an absolute inspiration to so many people. Your unwaivering faith in God was truly eye opening to me and made me look at God in a completely different way... You never blamed Him or said "why me?" or anything. You held strong on to your faith and knew that you would be together again and that you Scott and Jackson would move forward somehow. And in doing that... a chain reaction has happened to many of us around you. YOU have changed our lives for the better...

Whether or not you feel you are enough of the person you want to be because of Duncan, please know that the ripple effect immulating from you has been infectious - in a good way!!! You have touched so many with your story, and I am not talking about just losing Duncan, but who you have become after you lost him. I am a better person because of you and I know thee are many others that are as well.