Santa came, and he was a good boy

Jackson and his buddy Jacob (Theresa's son)

Many a conversation has been raised between Scott and I about today's consumerism - and how it directly relates to Jackson and our future children. Not to get too serious about what should be a playful and fun season, but how in the world can a kid have a level head about the realities of other economic classes (and, furthermore, other not so first-world countries) when he cannot see over the huge mound of toys in front of him? And, really, do kids NEED to have "it all?"

So our resolution to the conflict of "we-want-our-children-to-have-humble-surroundings" and "our-loved-ones-want-to-enjoy-the-fun-of-buying-for-a-child-and-watch-the-little-guy-go-nuts-over-the-novelty-of-new-stuff," we requested a few specifics: money for Jackson's education fund (check!), classic books that will involve both quality time and memories (check!), and - this one we did need - bath toys (check!). So Santa cooperated marvelously... or should I say, the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles cooperated marvelously. And there were those darling outfits that popped in the mix too. Who can help but buy the soft fuzzy jackets & matching mittens/hat from Old Navy (thanks Aunt JO) or the adorablely sophisticated one-piece outfit from Jack and Jane (thanks AC and UB - Jack and Jane is my weakness, introduced originally by Girlfriend Beth)?

And the next round of requests will involve two new themes: experiences for Jackson (like zoo passes or tickets to the science museum) and family board games we can all play. Our thinking is that experiences are better than material items. But, I'm sure we'll get sucked into it all eventually (who are we kidding?).

Our holiday was really great. As I have been telling folks, the collective family time on Christmas Day was far less melancholy than I was preparing myself for. Everyone felt free to discuss Mom without reservation... memories and stories. And we had the excitement of all the cousins being one year older and the newness of a baby. So, it really felt celebratory. The place Mom's absence was felt most by me was in the more intimate family traditions: Dad, Scott and I opening gifts and being together on Christmas Eve and later Christmas Day. We not only were missing Mom, the one who added all the motherly female touches to Christmas, but we were also missing my brother, who is currently in Florida working on putting himself back together. So it felt small, VERY small. But not bad, really. Mom was just REALLY obviously NOT THERE. Where as in the bigger family gathering her missing role was not as clear-cut.

So, the funniest story of Christmas was when my heroic husband saved the night. I should say that 89% of the overall event was NOT funny. Only the end was funny, thereby making everything OK. My mother had the tradition of making breakfast pizza on Christmas morning EVERY year. Since we moved up the family gathering to earlier in the day, Dad, Scott and I decided to prepare our breakfast pizza this year for dinner.

It was my job. I was my role. It was my way of honoring the family tradition that Mom put into place years ago. So there I was in the kitchen, browning sausage, spreading the crescent roll on the pizza pan. When it came time for the sprinking of the cheese.... no dice.... I had forgotten the cheese! THE CHEESE! I mean, come on folks, there's a lot of ingredients you could potentially substitute or even forego. But CHEESE? It was a necessity. The whole plan would have been foiled without the cheese. I handled things pretty maturely, I must boast. Calm and collected, I reported this dilemma... not sure what exactly I wanted out of my report. I guess I just wanted to not think and to have the problem solved. Scott was well aware of the breakfast pizza's significance, so at 6:30pm on Christmas Day he strapped on his cape and flew out the door yelling, "I'll save the day!"

OK OK, so there was no cape. But looking back, that's how it felt. Needless to say, about an hour and five stops later, Scott returned. No grocery store or drug store or mini mart in town was either open or had any cheese remaining (been picked over by forgetful Christmas-Day-bakers like myself). So he returns with a plastic to-go cup filled with shredded cheese. It was PERFECT. And it came from a bar. He had walked in, worn out from his investigative journey, and said to the hostess "I need cheese. I'll pay anything for it. You have no idea the symbolic nature of this cheese." Thank goodness for the holiday spirit (or my husband's good looks), cuz she headed to the back and returned with that to-go cup with NO charge.

So the breakfast pizza was a huge success. Thanks to Scott.

Library books dedicated to Duncan

The Wellington School's library will feature two new books, both dedicated in memory to Duncan. The first is called "Heres a Little Poem," which is a collection of darling children's poems. The second is called "Imagine a Day," filled with creative imagery about child-like dreams.

Baby's First Christmas

Fun with Lynette and Henry! We had a yummy dinner and fun gift-opening to follow (We tried viewing a spectacle of lights at the nearby park, but Jackson was not in the right mood... aka, he was screaming his head off.)

But he was quite pleasant for the greedy part... TOYS!!!!

A week of preparations

I have slowly become productive this week. It was a bit of a jolt from the busy task of being unproductive in FL. But I am here to say that:

1) Christmas shopping has been concluded....

THANK YOU NANCY for watching Jackson while I beebopped around town finishing these shopping errands. Below is a photo of those two. What a bond, huh? Nancy's favorite spot in the whole wide world is buried beneath a limp sleeping baby (Jackson is a very willing candidate).

2) Gift wrapping successfully completed...

THANK YOU JACKSON for your assistance... well, mainly in this shot was are practicing the skills of sitting up unassisted (a big week for progress here) and being self-occupied by shiny paper (a skill that will be required for endless hours this Christmas)

and #3) Candy-making all done!

THANK YOU KK, who spent this afternoon in my home with tedious tasks of dipping peanut butter balls and offering moral support. Below you will see her pictured with the fun sparkling champagne she has already purchased for our upcoming New Years celebration. Yippee.

Had to share one more

Aunt Jo just attached some photos from my time there in an email to me. The below one was included. I just HAD to share.

Our next door neighbor

Initially through a mutual friend who worked with me at Liberty High School and eventually through the journey at the hospital, we got to know the Zubers. Aaron and Tracy Zuber are parents to Brian, an HLHS baby as well. Brian and Duncan were neighbors in the ICU for several days when Brian was recovering from his stage 2 procedure. I have posted their blog address here, for you to take a peak at the Dec 5 entry. An ad featuring their family has been appearing in the Columbus Dispatch.

The Zubers have been very supportive to us. It is need to have been in each other's lives.

http://aaronandtracy.blogspot.com/

$8,860.40

We just found out the total money donated to the Heart Center at Nationwide Children's Hospital. And we are SO humbled. Wow. Beyond what words can express.

Thank you all. This is one heck of a Christmas gift to Duncan, to us, and to the many families whose children will benefit from your gift.

Honor of Duncan (from our half-marathon adventure)
2,957.40

Memory of Duncan
$5,903.00

Total = 8,860.40

Dine, Drink, Dream, and David Grey

While I was doing some cookie baking with Becky, KK, Jackson and Bella yesterday morning, Scott got into one of his "modes." What I mean by this is... the man cleaned. He cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. When my husband works, he works hard (and the opposite is true as well...). So something lit a fire underneath him while I was gone and magic occurred in our home.

So when I returned, most of the chores that were on my to-do list were already accomplished (what a gift to me, huh?). We spent the afternoon playing with our son, eyeing the beauty of the winter wonderland outside, working on some mini projects, and reading. When dinner time rolled around, I could tell that Scott was experiencing a bit of cabin fever... he gets like this when all the "tasks" are accomplished and there's no other productive use of his time. And these moments are when I get nervous - because you never know what he's gonna come up with. These times are when he gets unpredictable and creative. I could tell he was getting squirmy, exploring ideas of how to spend our evening. Then, self-rejecting each one, one by one. Movie? No. Make dinner together? No. Invite neighbor friends over? No.

Then, he finally seemed to hit on the dream-night, thereby putting his pent up energy to rest: We were to have D, D, & D night. He would pick up a take-n-bake Donatos pizza, booz, and a fire log from Kroger and we would buzz together while dreaming about our futures in front of the fire (hence, Dine, Drink and Dream). So that's what we did. My only role in the night was adding the final "D," busting out a favorite David Grey CD (thanks Theresa!). Down went Jackson (quite effortlessly in fact) and we commenced to have a night of conversation and connectivity as a married couple. God bless Old Crow bourbon and raspberry Schmirnoff! It all began around 6:30 and ended around 11pm. Did I mention that after eating a full Donatos take-n-bake pizza, Scott ordered another Donatos pizza for delivery at 10:30pm? That should explain how much we drank. It was so much fun.

I think the Kroger bagger summed it all up when, upon observing the items Scott purchased, remarked, "Life just doesn't get any better than that, does it?" Scott said he told him, "Nope, it doesn't."

Mom is forever at the beach

Part of the reason I went to Florida in the first place (besides the obvious reason one visits a sunny place with a beach and family when it's overcast and gray in one's hometown) was to be there for distributing the last of Mom's ashes. Mom made her wishes known about where her ashes were to be placed: some at the Barron River Lake where her Bridge Babes often partied and some in the gulf of Siesta Key. She was no dummy... she wanted to reunite with earth in the most beautiful spots! What an afternoon: Jackson, Aunt Jo, Uncle Darrell, Dad (who was visiting Florida himself for a few days; our time there overlapped by 2 days), Chad (our chauffeur), and I loaded Chad's magnificent boat (Chad is a good buddy friend of the Hills whose offer we accepted during our March Spring Break trip, when Mom was still with us but declining, to go on a boat trip... it was such a nice time, and it felt surreal this time around the remember the last time we were on that boat, Mom was too) and headed out on the water to where we could get a view of the beach upon which our family has vacationed since before I was born. Aunt Jo had brought along some gorgeous yellow and white daisies, Mom's favorite, and we experienced our goodbye's individually and collectively. It was sweet.







Jackson was napping while these emotional moments transpired, but was quickly reinvigorated when it came time to cruise at a whopping speed of 48 miles per hour (for those of you who aren't boat people, that's FAST) back to the dock. His little eye lashes were fluttering a mile a minute. But he, like usual, didn't seem to mind.







So that was one biggie for the week. But there were so many more. Namely, that I was offered the luxury of being a "kid" again. 2007 has required so much responsibility of me and, for the most part, I have met it with few complaints. But to be away from my home, away from laundry, away from my cell phone (for the most part), away from Christmas shopping (OK OK, we squeezed a little in at the end), away from anything truly requiring anything of me... that was golden. My meals were provided for me. Babysitting services were provided for me. And - best yet - a guaranteed spot reserved for me in that family was provided for me. So I kinda went into "kid" mode... just carefree and fun loving. It was just what the doctor ordered.







And the two mornings I went to the beach alone were also what the doctor ordered. I'd share what revelations I uncovered, but then no one would pay money to buy the book I'm gonna write. Ha. We'll see if that actually happens. But it IS crossing my mind...







And watching two girly movies was just what the doctor ordered: The Holiday and The Notebook. I like holidays and notebooks. And I like stories about deep love. And so it really worked out that Jackson decided to nap when I wanted to lounge on the couch and watch them with Aunt Jo.







Jackson experiences a plethora of firsts (but don't tell Scott, he's already depressed that we were away from him so long...). 1) His first time at the beach, 2) his first time in a pool (he prefers warm water, thank you very much!), 3) his first time sitting on Santa's lap (the nearby church where I interned one summer 7 years ago offered a Breakfast with Santa last Sat morning... how perfect!?), and 4) he rolled over from back to front for the first time, much from the coaching and practice Aunt Jo and Uncle Darrell offered.

As Promised

OK OK, I admit it. I was having WAY too much fun in Florida to spend time indoors investigating how to upload pictures on to my aunt and uncle's computer. I mean to tell you, the weather in Sarasota, Florida in December is enough to make Mr and Mrs Claus reconsider their accomodations in the North Pole. Plus, the Hills' house just screams, "RELAXATION!" That is, when it's not blaring sensationally soothing Norah Jone and Bonnie Rate tunes from its indoor AND outdoor speakers. They have quite a set-up there.

So, we're back safe and sound. Even Scott has become quite attached to the blogging ritual. Once we buzzed over to Applebees as a family for dinner from the airport, Scott spent some quality time with his son who he swears grew fatter during the week he was away, we lay Jackson down for the night, and I took one look at the massive heap of clothes and baby odds and ends I needed to wash/put away from our trip --- Scott looked at me and said, "Well, ya better upload some of those pictures and put a post on the blog." That sounded better than reorganizing Jackson and my belongings in their appropriate spots.

The promised back-to-back photos of Jackson experiencing firsts both in Ohio and in Florida are below...Talk about extreme opposites.

Here's Jackson man squinting into the moisture of the falling flakes the day we departed (I had to slam a few doors to wake him from his nap just to toss him in this snonwsuit and subsequently in the snow leaving barely enough time to then head off to the airport)

And here we are on the Siesta Key beach. It wasn't the seaweed he disliked as much as it was the chilly ocean water. Brrrrr. Despite the gulfs chilliness, the FL temps were in the low 80s while we were there. NICE.

More on Florida later. I had lots of reflective moments, largely made available by Aunt Jo's babysitting services. And, furthermore, assisted heavily by the beach. What is it about sand, sun, waves, and an occasional sea gull that make the spirit smile and the mind crack wide open? It seemed so wrong, in moments, to have my head bent downward instead of admiring the beauty around me. But it's hard to scribble down all those thoughts jumbling in my head without actually looking at the paper. Besides, the mood was set just as much by the senses of smell, touch, and hearing as much as the actual visuals.

So I started that last paragraph with, "More on Florida later" and then continued to give a couple glimpses of my reflective experiences. But that's what I do. I say I'm not going to talk. And then I do. But, seriously, there is a lot more to discuss, including some great family moments with the Hills. It was a blessing of a trip.

For now, though, munch on these other photos from before we left. A couple are winners and I couldn't hardly pass them by.

And last but not least, this great photo of Fairy Godmother Becky (dressed in her father's Santa suit from when he visited families in December for good cheer!) introducing Old Nick to Jackson, who wasn't so sure about that beard.

Two Firsts in One Day

I'm here in polar Ohio, watching the white stuff fall like crazy. I am strongly considering getting Mr. Jackson in his snow suit and taking a picture to record his FIRST snow experience this morning. Then, we fly to Fl later this morning (barring any cancellations, we're already delayed!). There, I'll proceed to take more pictures of him in his first pair of swim trunks (provided, thankfully, by Theresa's now-one-year-old Jacob) in the warm swimming pool of Aunt Jo and Uncle Darrell's.

Hopefully I'll get some pics uploaded from there.

8:30 am

Would you believe that our little boy has, for three nights in a row, slept through the night? On Thursday night he even pulled a 13 hour overnight: 7:30pm until 8:30 am. What a dream of a night's sleep for Mom and Dad too! We are, as you can tell, ecstatic about this progress, yet a bit skeptical that it was a fluke. We'll see if blogging about it jinxes us. Last night Scott and I took a little trip to Ann Arbor Michigan to spend time with Naveen and Kristin Sharma, our good buddy friends. We played Playstation karaoke (Scott was the winner over everyone... despite his howling like a dog) and watched endless hours of seasons 1 and 2 of "The Office." A wonderful overnight get-away, for sure. Gma Lynette took the overnight shift with Jackson and the Sutherlands kindly filled in for her during the last few hours. THANKS, babysitters!

1 month

Duncan died one month ago. My mood was pretty pleasant until Jackson went down for a ridiculously long nap (I'll take it!) and I spent time with my journals. It was about that time that my mood started reflecting the weather: droopy, gloomy, and sad.

But that's how I operate. I get all emotional, sobbing while writing my thoughts through the blur of tears. And it feels SO GOOD just to be in cry mode. And then, after I get it out for awhile... I'm good again. And really, I was pretty good even while crying. It's all good for the ole system, as far as I'm concerned.

Jackson and I visited with Duncan in the rain. It was Jackson's first trip out while it poured, so I did my best to shield him from the downpour by a pathetically beat up umbrella while his infant carrier sunk in the soaked, muddy ground. We were quite a ragamuffin pair.

I am still trying to figure out the whole "stay at home" thing. Seems like the authentic flavor of that life has yet to be tasted... between the holidays and visitors and relatives and special trips (going to Florida next week...yeeehaaa!). But on the few days that I have had with NO commitments, I somehow manage to do nothing inspirational as I dreamed of doing. My religious views are no more clear. My time with God is no more extensive. My political views no more firm. My reading is not lengthened. My philosophies haven't been explored. My future plans haven't been determined. Heck, I'm just now satisfying the goals of: know what the date is, read the highlights of the newspaper, figure out the day's weather, and get some exercise. But I guess some sort of rhythm takes time.

However, I would like to claim some sort of productivity today...I made a facebook account. I did it before I even knew I did it. Suddenly I somehow invited my entire email address book to become "friends" with me. And the rest is history. I still know very little about what I have got myseld into, but I'm exploring. It seems a little dangerous, given my already unstructured abundance of time...and how quickly it can become absorbed.

Enjoy the sweet pic of my boys. Last night I didn't stand a chance at staking the TV shows of my choice. Jackson and Scott monopolize when both "Godfather" AND "Rocky II" are on on the same night. Ha. Men.

Our Little Turkey

None of the "firsts" of the holiday season are any good, if you ask me, without tasting the traditional yummies. For instance, one cannot help but feel sorry for little Jackson for having endured a Thanksgiving, possibly his only one, without the actual goodness of turkey and stuffing and cranberries and pie. One could argue he indirectly got his share through nursing... but you get my point.

And yet another holiday approaches where he will have to forego peanut butter balls (Yes, I know, Ohio-folk, that you are insulted by not giving these treats their rightful names: Buckeyes. But being raised by my mom meant dipping them COMPLETELY in chocolate and deeming them "peanut butter balls"), fudge, sugar cookies, and much more.

But I cannot feel entirely sorry for the little guy. He was able to spend his Thanksgivings this year on the floor, squiggling around, cooing and smiling, the absolute CENTER of attention. He has yet to experience shyness or overstimulation. I think he eats it up.

Thanksgiving Day outfit... Lynette and I have been itching to put this on him for 3 months!

Our home was a zoo from Wed to Sat. But it was a fun zoo. We all visited Duncan's grave on Thursday before the Thanksgiving feast, which felt very good. It also brought to mind how upsetting that Duncan would not be able to experience his first family holiday with us. The GGs, Dad, Justin, and Rachel (my 1st grade penpal who now lives in Chicago) were glad to have a reference for where Duncan is. It was an emotional, yet important visit.



Turkey Day at Lynette and Henry's was truly a good time. All 16 of us chowed down together. I am fortunate to have a family on Scott's side who invites and values my own family. I sat in the same spot as last year and remembered that Mom had sat directly opposite me the year before. I was pregnant and she (and Dad and Justin and Lynette and Henry) had just learned of their future grandchild (only figured one at that time!). Who sat in that spot this year? My dear husband, Scott. I was pleasantly surprised at how sad thoughts stayed at bay during that day. I've learned quite a bit about my style of grief. I've discovered that, in general, I tend to be very content and genuinely happy doing whatever I am doing with whomever I am with at the time. The goodness of life gets in the way of being sad. It is not until the quiet moments that I reflect upon what had changed and the sadness then seaps in. And I let it. So, Thursday later in the evening was one of those nights.



Sat was Turkey Day Round II. We traveled to Dresden and spent time with Grandma and Grandpa Ricci and Diane. Scrabble and Taboo entertained us. I don't think I have laughed as hard as I did that afternoon playing those games as I have in a long while. I wish everyone had the chance to play Taboo with Ricci Arthur.

Diane and Jackson

A Scrabble expert-in-the-making

And last, but not least, today was a lazy day. And I mean that. I did not leave the house. I did not complete house projects (including cleaning). I did not exercise (what's new?). I did only the bare basics: feed Jackson - and the rest of the day just kind of disappeared. Might I brag on my husband for operating rather effieciently around his bum-wife. He did laundry, tidied, cleaned the kitchen floor, got up in the morning with Jackson before I was ready to wake, and deflated air mattresses. Where did I find this guy? Plenty of my girlfriends wish he had a brother to place dibs on. What a wonderful thing that we have the opportunity to create a man (jackson) just as selfless of a servant to his future wife!



In other news, when the heck is my child going to sleep through the cockadoodee night?

Pics of KK's 30th & Some Deep Thoughts...

From the Top: KK's Mom, Kathy, with Jackson, Carey and KK all smiles, Dick and Becky happy about their shared banana split, and Scott and I with the world's BIGGEST chocolate cake. I ate it single handedly. Just kidding.

I need to give a shout out to my girls from Sigma Alpha Tau (before the deep thoughts). On Sunday, Scott and I were winding down for the night and he said "Boy, today was productive." And we didn't share in one ounce of that productivity. It was all done for us! (That's what I call a Sabbath! Ha). Emily and Adam, Bri, and Tiffany raked like it was their JOB in our front and back yards. I forgot I had grass under there. It looks so good. Then, more generosity rolled on in our driveway... a huge truck, loaded with Sara, Brian and a big ole freezer showed up. And now I have an enormous freezer in my basement, equipped to keep all the good eats until we are ready to eat them! Now, if I can only find a new place for my cat litter and "yard sale" pile (please tell me everyone has one of those). I think everyone's whole back yard should have a catacomb underneath it specifically meant for storage. One little basement is simply not enough.

And now for those deep thoughts I promised you.

Scott and I talk about Duncan a lot. We visit his grave a few times a week (today was a beauty of a day to stand and talk to him). I do my best every day to close my eyes and visualize his sweet face. And when I can't seem to bring his image to mind, I go through stacks of pictures to ensure that those 5 months can continue to be reinvented in my consciousness. I think I fear most forgetting pieces of his memory. To me, it feels like I am not honoring him properly if I forget even one detail about his eyes, nose, hair, toes, personality...

And there are couple other thoughts we have had about honoring Duncan. On that Glenlaurel trip on Oct 30th, Scott shared how he had this overwhelming desire to make Duncan proud. His feelings were that Duncan went through so much more than either of us had... physical and emotional trauma. And, for the most part, he did it without complaint. So, as a result, Scott feels a deep respect for Duncan. As if his Spirit (which we both have identified is ageless when it is not bound by physical and developmental limitations) is to be revered. Thus, Scott's desire to make Duncan proud. He wants everything he is and does from Duncan's death forward to be good and right and worthy.

My thoughts are similar, mainly a simplified version of Scott's. I want to be made different by Duncan. In my thinking, if I don't proactively create a change, then his existence did not matter... then I am not honoring him... then I am not honoring God, for that matter... then the potential goodness as a result of his life and death was not seen through.

I have no doubt that I have been changed by Duncan's presence in my life. Clearly, he has and will continue to transform me in some way(s). But what I'm describing is something more intentional. It almost feels like what I'm hunting for could be likened to a way extreme New Year's resolution. Like, "For Duncan, I vow to forever stop gossiping" And when I come close to that personal flaw, I would think, "Now, I promised Duncan I wouldn't." Or as drastic as going into ministry, as if to say, "Thanks, Duncan, for giving me that extra nudge." Or to volunteer at Children's, offering support to families similar to ours. Or to start a foundation. Or I don't know what. But one thing is for sure, I do not want this event in our lives, the event called "Duncan" to get lost.

So that's what I wanted to share.

As for the upcoming Turkey Day, we will have a house full of love and chaos. Our cat Lilly, Grandmom and Grandad's cat Sasheen, and Dad's dog Esther will spend two days fighting (literally) like "cats and dogs." But their owners will be much more civilized towards one another! I cannot wait to love on the GGs, Dad, Justin, and Rachel, my oldest pen-pal friend. We will be eating our real Thanksgiving meal at Lynette and Henry's. Yum.

11/16 a Tough One

Yesterday it was easy to be happy. For many reasons.

My dear friend KK turned 30 last week and so her friends "kidnapped" her to a Hocking Hills cabin for some fun and fellowship (and good eating and hot-tubbing). We returned yesterday afternoon... and then re-kidnapped her last night for a fanstastic dinner at Cap City Diner with friends. It was very joyous.

But in the silence of my quiet moments, I felt sad. For many reasons. Yesterday marked 3 weeks, to the day, since Duncan died and 5 months, to the day, since Mom died. These two "anniversaries" colliding on the same day left me feeling very melancholy later in the evening. And I think it has carried over to today.

But there will be many more days like this to come. And I need to prepare myself for them, lean into them, be OK with them, and not resist them. The holidays are going to feel very new and different this year. I think I am just now starting to understand that as well. I never thought I would be "that person" so many churches and grief groups refer to when they make mention of how hard the holidays are for "some" people. Weird.

My two men

Look at these sweet faces. Am I a lucky woman, or what? This pic was taken over the weekend. Notice the fantastically cuddly and warm fleece sheets on our bed. I highly recommend... purchased at Cosco. Our early Christmas gift from Aunt Jo and Uncle Darrell. We all know how much I love being comfy, and these sheets definitely accomplish that!