So Thursday and Friday were shoot-the-birds-dead kind of days. I always try to reflect upon the why's for such a horrible not-Tricia spell (I call it "out of sorts." Mom had a similar description: "The Blahs." Scott discusses it as being "in a funk."). #1 It was terribly grey weather on Thursday (but then again, it has a tendency to do that Nov - March in Ohio). #2 Jackson and I didn't have our regularly scheduled play date with Sophia on Thursday, providing a large chunk of available time which quickly transformed into BOREDOM, thereby setting me in a tailspin of cabin fever, doubting whether I was cut out to stay at home full-time. I got in the car JUST TO DRIVE AROUND. That's bad. #3 I am really beginning to miss the idea of living in a city where my family lives. Scott's family is nearby, but I miss counsin's b-ball games, a quick bite to eat after Sunday church... just the comfort of having family nearby. And I recently came to the realization that Scott and I will most likely not make a home out of Louisville, KY, where I was born and raised - and where the remaining key players of my family live (with the exception of the Hills in FL). Not only that, but it could be that Scott and I are not the type to stay settled in ANY one city, meaning the roots I am used to may not the be kind I am able to grow in my adult life. Letting go of the type of childhood I guess I always expected my children to have is a HUGE mourning process. And all of this is layered upon the reality that my mom is not with me and my brother is out of the scene - making my family feel even more tiny, remote, and distant. So my head was working all of that out. #4 I was PMSing, meaning my emotions were doing whatever they damn-well pleased withOUT asking my permission before they ravaged my insides. #5 I hated that van that day. In my random cure-the-boredom tour, I realized just how icky I felt in it. #6 Whether a combination of all of the above, or just specifically this last one... I was just plain sad. The nothing-seems-good-or-fun-or-worthwhile kind of sad. Maybe even depressed. And I wondered on Thurs/Fri if this was it - this was the beginning of "The Crack." I wondered in my depression those couple days, if all the grief of the past year was finally beginning the slow and painful chipping away process - threatening to crumble all that is healthy and whole in my being. I can only say this now that I realize it truly was a short term "out of sorts" spell, but I was really worried about myself. In fact, when Scott came home from work on Thurs, I said right when he walked in the door, "I need to let you know that I cannot be held responsible tonight for anything I say or do." Because I felt THAT out of synch. And the fact that I woke up Friday morning, after a good night's sleep, feeling like I couldn't shake off that cloud storm was even more concerning (usually a solid slumber is always a remedy to icky moods).
I cannot say exactly what chrysalis took place over the course of Friday to make me return to my Tricia-ness. But thank GOD it did. I still cannot identify whether GRIEF is where this all stemmed from (VAN = Duncan / FAMILY LONGING = Mom), meaning there could likely be many more a gloomy day in my future as the grief continues to cycle. OR if it had more to do with Winter blues, which I have a history of experiencing. OR, after three great weeks of a quality rhythm of normalcy in 2008, I am finally internalizing the changed identity of "Stay at home Mom." That, in and of itself, sends lots of women screaming for their "old" lives in moments of insanity.
Whatever it was, I am glad to say that I am humming with the birds again.
Couple shots from the weekend:
No grey this day!!! Sun shining against the already-glowing face of Jackson
Daddy was behind me (the photographer) and what a happy guy Jackson is when he has as handsome a face as Daddy's to look at!